Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
