She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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