I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
