Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
she told me i tasted like america
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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