i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
