I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
