I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
