To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
