Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
