i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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