I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
