My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
