I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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