i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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