I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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