Will you blow on my dice?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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