god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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