I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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