I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize