instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
