Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
