No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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