I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
