My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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