You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
