At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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