is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
