you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
