took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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