Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
