just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize