he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
