I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
