I'm jealous of your bromance
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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