I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
