I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
