Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize