Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
