In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
