He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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