The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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