I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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