Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
