I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize