i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
