Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You are the jesus of drinking
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize