using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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