Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
