I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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