How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
