I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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