i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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