i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
