Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
