PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
