Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
