hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
barbara walters just said penis...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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