Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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