M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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