saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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