omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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