he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
