soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
