I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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